Brokenness and the God Who Sees

One Broken:

God help me. I feel like the entire world is against me. To hear its charges against me, I must dig deep, climb down, sink low in the dark, and put out the light. The warmth of sun fades. The dark thickens and every breath becomes labored. Faint murmurs break the silence, but I cannot make out the words. Gravity increases the deeper I go. I feel the entire world pressing against me. The black is suffocating, but finally I can hear the whispers and sneers echoing all around me growing louder and louder:

“this is your life now, now shut up and work and be happy about it you cry baby. Be a man you loser!”

Go on!

“Oh, you want someone to be kind to you? Stop being weak! When they show you kindness, they resent you for it. The charity they offer is not without cost—its cost is expensive. You must pay with their respect for you, the more they help the less they respect you. You weak and pathetic worm! Don’t you see it? It’s written all over their faces!”

Go on!

“Your wife wants to be married to a man! A manly man never asks for help. Of course she’s not happy! She’s not happy because you’re so weak and ugly.”

Go on!

“You can’t even afford a family! You don’t know how to make money! You are useless!

Go on!

“Go ahead, ask for help and prove everyone right! Show everyone how weak and useless and stupid you are!”

Stop! That’s enough!

I know that they are lies, but each of these, while are lies, have a bit of truth to them. I know everyone would deny these things I said they say, but I see these comments evidenced by their faces. It sits just behind their eyes—lurking in subtle inflections or hiding in what is left unsaid. Every echo has its origin. Nobody’s face feels merciful right now, everyone looks sick of me and my problems. Lies and truth.

What to do with these lies and truth?

Alas, repress repress! Dismiss repress, and dismiss some more! Burry it, and pretend like it’s gone. Pretend you don’t see. Go on pretending! Pretend you are likable when you are miserable. Switch from one mask to another. Everyone knows that no one wants to be around depressing people and their depressing lives. But just pretend like they do, or pretend like you are not depressed—like you are not struggling, like you are burdening the load so well.

Either way, pretend! Pretend like you don’t see, or pretend like you don’t feel, but whatever you do go on pretending or don’t go on at all! Whatever you do pretend! Pretend like your life depends on it.

Pretend like your world is not falling apart or pretend like you are not falling apart. Either hold your world together or hold yourself. Embrace your world or embrace yourself. I need an embrace.

I need what I see and what I feel to embrace. I need to be seen and to be felt. I wish someone could see what I am seeing and feel how I am feeling, and just say:

“That hurts, that is so painful, I see your pain and feel your hurt, it’s ok to be weak, and it’s ok if the world rejects you. I see your pain and feel your hurt, but where you are weak I am strong. It’s ok, rest, stop pretending, hold on to me and I will carry you on. Do you see that I see? Either go on pretending or go on with me. The burden of pretending is heavy. Stop pretending and follow me.”

Thank you, God, for seeing me, in Jesus’ name.

Amen.

A note from the author:

Being seen is to receive grace. Grace can grab both horns of a dilemma and fill an infinite void. Grace can bear the heaviest burden—even undo gravity. Grace shines a light on the “you” that you have been trying to hide and gives you permission to exist. Put the masks away and be restored by the only One who really sees you—sees the real you.

—One Seen